How I got here ! (Things i adore)

  • - Mascara laden eyes -
  • - DUNHILL -
  • - Girls -
  • - Pink Floyd Comfortably Numb -

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The last nail, is the hardest to hammer in ...

The alarm went off. Precisely at the time I had set it to. I hadnt slept well, and it was as if I was waiting for it to go off. In a robotic motion, I switched it off. The liberty to snooze wasnt  there, as I was in someone elses bed. The night was cold. On this 30th of December, I had no expectations of such a night, of such a surprise, yet my unpredictability had taken over.

I cannot actually distinguish between the two warms. The one my host had provided me with, and the one this thick razai was giving. I was too comfortable for my own good, and this warmth was a bit too good to leave. I swiped the covers off. Instantly, I got hit by a cold blanket. My host came in, asked me for breakfast. I politely refused, not wanting to exhaust his hospitality, even though there was no chance of that happening. Washed my face with cold water, dressed up to cater for the cold. and left.....

He insisted on dropping me, since it was raining. I agreed, my conscience told me not to, yet the icy cold rain compelled me to. I got inside his car. The heating turned on as soon as it reached the temperature. I was shivering, but the hot air from the vents begged me to stop. I did. After driving around through the drenched Rawalpindi, we reached my destination. I did not know the way, but I knew how to get there. I didnt exactly know what I was doing there, but I knew what had to happen.

I exited the car, thanked him for his generosity. Made way to the building. Now that I have gone through this 30th day of  December, I know what phase of the day it exactly was. At that time I thought it was just normal, but now it seems as if the undertaker was placing the nail, at the right spot. the last nail, in this coffin, to seal the dead, the departed. He was placing it to perfection, not wanting to miss the spot, not wanting to insert it in the wrong place, not wanting it to be half fixed. He wanted it to go in deep, fix itself hard and stay there for times to come. He wanted to hammer in the last nail in the coffin with the perfection it demanded.

I asked for where I wanted to go. The receptionist said second floor. I proceeded. Walking like a lost man, which is ironic since I was a lost man, I reached second floor. I called, I had asked, and confirmed, that I shall call in the morning, you must simply answer. The phone was picked up, without much thought. The first blow, on the nail.

The first thing that was inquired from me, was WHAT I was doing there ? Not how I was ? Not if im shivering because im cold, not about how I got wet, but WHAT I was doing there ? And to be honest, there was nothing wrong with it. I wouldnt have asked the same, but still I accepted it as it is, and replied, with a nothing.....

I was taken to the waiting room, was seated infront of a heater. Upon asking for a warm cup of some beverage, I was shown the direction to the canteen. :) . I left to get tea, I could feel my innards writhing in cold. I misjudged the hospitality and returned to the waiting lounge, when I was expected to leave. I sat there for another one hour. Some texts were exchanged. Then I was asked to leave. Politely yet sternly. You should LEAVE.

I looked outside at the rain, it had picked up. The rain doesnt bother me, I thought. Neither does the cold weather. What actually chilled my guts was the icy cold radiated from my host. I felt cold. Ive been drenched before, doesnt scare me. But all I fucking wanted was a half hearted, "you can stay till the rain stops". I looked at the face. Nope. It was straight. It was fucking cold. Murderous. Now in such a situation, it is difficult to decide on your own. Wouldve been easier had I been told to FUCK OFF. But that wouldve been too straight. I was told to leave. And leave I did.

The first few drops of that icy poison hit my face with a fury less known. The instant chill made me want to go back in, regardless of the fucked up state of affairs. Yet, to keep face, which wasnt much left, I went on. Kept walking. The nail was banged further deep. It was the last few blows. The sealing of the dealing. I walked hard, did not expect anything. Did not want anything.

For fifteen minutes the rain showered on my head, in below zero temperature. I could not find a fucking taxi. A guy pulled over, a yellow taxi guy. He mustve thought I was lost or something. He was spot on. I was amazed at how in a place with such a cold and heartless fucking demeanor, a person dwells with warm heart. Bhaijaan thand lag jaway ge, ander bai jao. I did what he said.

Then he drove off........ into the rainy nothingness.

This was the last nail in the coffin. This is how it was struck in to place. This is how it is on this 30th of December.