It’s been a while since the last time I posted anything here. To be honest I was a bit scared, maybe like most things, I had lost at this too. It happens to people, and I am no exception either. Still a bit overwhelmed by things, I decided to actually go ahead and write something here. After all this has been the ears I’ve always waited for. I can pretty much write whatever comes to my mind, and mostly, no matter how stupid it is, I usually do.
Its weird when I think about it. Here I am, on a perfect day, at home, I should be the happiest most satisfied person on the face of this earth, yet I am not. It’s been four long years. Years that have trickled and years that have zoomed. I have been king at times, and I have been a jester too. I have lived and at times died too. I had often imagined about this day, this day that ends an era, and I always have envisioned it to be something real special. Out of this world. And it is too.
When it was a week away, I had imagined it to be a day when ill party beyond limits. Go out, have multiple treats, invite everyone I know, everyone who doesn’t care about me and everyone who i don’t care about, yet I had planned to be out there, with them, partying the night away. It would be, after all, my big day. But as it came nearer, and nearer, something drew away the desire to go ape. I was steadily being covered in a blanket of nostalgia. Days of the past, when I had talked to people about tomorrow. Memories of the time when I had wanted tomorrow to come. Promises past that I had made to people, and they made to me. All came back to me. And being the average being that I am, I got a bit overwhelmed.
I remember talking to a friend, about an year ago, about how life would change after this day. How I would be better in control of things, and how differently adventurous it would be. And I’m pretty sure, it is too, but somehow, I feel like I have been driven on by a false hope. A false image of things has lured me to this point, where now I feel there’s no turning back, and yet I have to move forth lusting about the next level. Start imagining how different that would be, how happy that would make me. It seems, as if, life has been a liar ever since it started acting up. And even though, I have no option but to believe, I have doubts moving forward.
How the promises broke and how reality hit, I’ll never know. But a part of me still wanted her to be here today. I was never the expectant one, and never will be, but I know, if not a congratulations, deep down inside I wanted a mere “good luck". Something to say, ode to the time we've spent, ode to the life we've seen, the roads we've traveled and suns we've seen set. But i guess it wasn’t meant to be.
A part of me was nostalgic, and a part of me was scared of things to come. How would I cope up, and how different would things be. Would I be as carefree or do I have to change myself. The added stripe would not matter if there is no added character, so I was troubled again, as to what improvement should I make. What should I cut out and what should I include more. All these trivial things kept bugging me throughout the past week. And the memories kept haunting me, of things we had planned on this day, the coming months and also the future years.
My grandfather, a veteran himself brought me a pair of new stripes. He had earned them in the true sense of the word. Twice been to war, and battled everyday life to reach such a status. His humble gift and request that “let these be the first ones on your shoulders” left me with a lot to think about and a tear in my eye. It left me thinking and it left me overwhelmed.
I have a family that loves me. A gang of brothers that adore me. Friends that are joyous at my successes. I only have but to man up, and dive in. I have to go and find out why this made me the way I am today. I have to go and find out what happens next. I am happy no doubt; it reveals newer horizons to be discovered, opportunities to be grasped and heights to be scaled. I guess one way or the other I had to do this alone, and I had to get rid of the past.
I will miss the single gold on my shoulders, not because I don’t feel like moving on, but because I’ve had a special time with them on, a time of my life, a time with no involvement, a time I’ve seen alone. And I will love the double gold. I will work into them. Be what they dictate me to be, command what needs to be commanded.
I will, not just be another idiot, with nostalgia today; I will be ready to climb another step tomorrow.